I went to the office today, hoping to speak with my boss about quitting my job. But he broke his leg this week, and won't be in until next week.
I am the leader of a group of quilters that meets once a month. We met last night, and I told them about my situation. We all cried together, and one old (94 years old) lady asked me "Do you trust the Lord with this?" I told her that, to be honest, my faith was having a difficult time with this. Another lady told me that tears speak to God, and that I should feel free to express my feelings like that. Well, I have been. I still cry often, usually after I tell someone new about it. I feel sorry for myself.
I am angry at God. Ramiro and I have been talking about this. He and I say prayers together every night, and at every meal, and each of those prayers asks God to keep us in good health the rest of our lives. But this prayer has not been answered. So I ask myself, if God didn't listen to a simple request like keeping us in good health, why would I think that he would listen to us asking for the miracle that I need now? I'm having a hard time praying myself, and I don't see much point in asking someone to pray for me; what would be the use? But I do thank people when they tell me that I am in their prayers.
I spoke to Pam, my pastor, tonight, and among other things I told her about being angry at God. She said to go ahead, that I didn't have to worry about not being able to pray right now. She said that part of being a member of a community of faith is that other people would be praying for me.
The kindness that everyone has expressed is very touching, and I feel surrounded by people who love me. I cannot imagine going through this if I didn't have Ramiro, Debbie, my quilter friends, my family to see me through this. I told Debbie the other night that if something were to happen to Ramiro, I would "pull the plug" on myself, because I could not go on alone. She immediately told me that if something happened to Ramiro, I would just move in with her and Mike, and they would see me through it. So, offers like that sustain me. I hope I never have to take advantage of that offer.
Not much else to say. I feel OK. In fact, if I never feel any worse than this, I could live this way without any qualms. I have a reasonable energy level, I don't have any stomach problems, I'm sleeping better now that I'm getting over the shock. So I need to enjoy this time, as I will look back on it at some point as "the good old days" before dialysis. Ramiro asked me tonight if I would have a lot of pain later on. I think he's concerned about seeing me in pain and his not being able to do anything about it. Fortunately, pain is not a factor in kidney failure as I understand it. I think he was reassured about learning that. I've asked him if he's afraid of what's happening, and he said yes, but what he's afraid of is being able to help me, and whether he'll know what to do. I don't worry about that, because he is a natural caregiver, and seems to know instinctively how to make me more comfortable, no matter what's wrong, like when I had the gall bladder surgery last year.
In an effort to make the most of my freedom now we went to the Springdale craft show this afternoon. We went to the Rogers Craft show yesterday, and hope to make it to the big War Eagle Mill craft show this weekend. We don't buy anything, but it is wonderful to be outside in gorgeous fall weather, and be filled with the sights and sounds of happy people all around us. Now I look at everyone and ask myself--are they on dialysis? Are they like me. But of course I can't tell. And then I wonder whether being on dialysis would even permit somene to go to a place like the craft fair at all? Are there limits of strength, etc., that will prevent that?
I don't know the answer to a lot of questions. Heck, I don't even know all the questions.
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